For the last few days, I’ve tried to sit down and write and had to move onto other projects… I just couldn’t get my head in it. My thoughts have been consumed by the longing for my Mom.
For those who don’t already know, I lost my Mom just over a year ago and I was very accustomed to getting to have my daily conversation with her. It was something that had become so important to me. When life got busy and we only had a few moments to chat, we still had those few moments… occasionally she would not be feeling well and not make to the phone and she would endlessly apologize the next day for the time we had lost just chatting with one another… I always tried to reassure her that it was so sill to apologize as she would tell me the same if I had been running all day and not called her until late.
We both felt those moments were so important and were saddened when we missed them; thankfully, it was rare that we actually missed them.
I long for those moments now in ways I can not even put into words. I have lost multiple family members and always knew that Mom would always be there. She had suffered most of her life fight illness that doctors said would take her away from us at a young age. She fought harder than any doctor had ever seen. She was active in athletics with me, my brother, and my sister. She was incredible beyond words.
She fought through everything for us… She would remind us regularly that we were what saved her.
I don’t think I ever truly conveyed to her all she did for me. She was more than my Mom…. From the time I was little, she was the one I could trust in and confide in. She was my biggest fan; she reminded me regularly that I was her hero and one day she would grow up to be like me… little did she know that I just wanted to make her proud. She told me tails of her and Dad and their business ventures which drove me to desires of success and to run my own business one day.
Daily, I tend to my garden with my boys just the way she taught me and gardened with me when I was a little boy. It is so incredibly therapeutic to work in my garden and talk to Mom while I do it… If only she could be here with me… She is always in my heart and inspires all I do.
She sung so beautifully and encouraged us as kids to sing and be joyful and to worship the Lord proudly… She also began teaching my daughter, Mariah to play the guitar… She taught herself to play guitar on her friend’s twelve string steel string guitar when she was younger and loved to play and write music. She had dreams of us playing together for the boys… I was not as quick to pick it up but one day I will be playing great music for the boys as she dreamt we would. She had written songs that I wish I knew…
She always had music on in the house… Linda Ronstadt, Air Supply, Billie Idol, Prince & the Revolution, Boston, Bruce Springsteen Michael Jackson, the Jackson 5… These were just a few of my favorites, but you better believe that the list went on and on.
She encouraged me in all the different music I listened to and attempted to play. She bought me my first keyboard when I was just a kid and got me my first guitar lesson when I was a teenager.
I grew up watching her soaps with her and watching Lifetime movies… we also watched action movies like Die Hard and Lethal Weapon… We really just had fun together… Even when we had no money and things just didn’t line up right for the month, she never let us know. She would make hotdogs and mac and cheese and have us pick movies to watch and we’d have family movie night on Friday night and stay up late… sometimes inviting friends and other times, just family. She made everything in our lives feel special. She made everything fun.
Just like and mom or dad, she made mistakes… as a dad myself, that is something that can not be avoided… mistakes will be made, none of us are perfect. As we grew older, she always held on to her mistakes. She would apologize all the time for not being a good enough mommy. She would ask me if I remembered good times from my childhood. She would ask if I thought she was a good mom when we were younger always reminded her that she was a great mom and I never held onto her mistakes. I never even thought of them until she wanted to talk about them. They didn’t affect me the way she thought they did. To me, I think that is something that caring parents do… I know I always wonder if the mistake I’ve made will affect the boys, but I do not dwell on them or hold onto those thoughts. I made me sad to think my mom held onto them so much.
I wish so much that she knew how much power she gave me. So much confidence she built inside me. As a child, she taught me that the word ‘can’t’ was a bd word; I was not allowed to say. She always told me that I could do anything and to never say the word ‘can’t’.
There is no question, that I am the man she taught me to be. I am Corey B. because this is who my Mom inspired me to be.
This is a huge part of who I am. As I mentioned, I have just had some difficulty writing the last few days, so I had to share this. Maybe it will inspire some of you… I know it helped me.
Thank you for reading.
beingcoreybayless 